lets start looking

curiouser and curiouser

thats all

trying not to push

Will you come and whisper yes into my heart. Will you draw a map in the stars to guide me ever home, to the home I am meant to find.
I want to have every thing that I can take and fulfill every promise that has been made. I want to love and be loved until there is no room for fear or doubt. I want to shine brighter than the thousand fireflies glowing in my chest.
I am waiting and rushing, trying not to push to far ahead - going no further than I can control.
I see happiness and I see hurt in the world that I live in and the lives that I touch. I want to find a way to fix the things I break, and not be the reason for anyone's hurt, especially not my own. 
I'd like to ask for forgiveness, because I know I'll never earn it.

wanna be loved

dream baby girl, dream

“I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.”
― John Green, An Abundance of Katherines

Little girls are cute and small only to adults. To one another they are not cute. They are life-sized.
Margaret Atwood
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/little_girls.html#r0tMLbuE9qUZJDIU.99

Little girls are cute and small only to adults. To one another they are not cute. They are life-sized.
Margaret Atwood
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/little_girls.html#r0tMLbuE9qUZJDIU.99

Little girls are cute and small only to adults. To one another they are not cute. They are life-sized.
Margaret Atwood
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/little_girls.html#r0tMLbuE9qUZJDIU.99

Little girls are cute and small only to adults. To one another they are not cute. They are life-sized.
Margaret Atwood
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/little_girls.html#r0tMLbuE9qUZJDIU.99

life and the like

So. University is a thing I do now.
It has already been 8 weeks of my life.
8 wonderful, crazy, heart-breaking, exciting, overwhelming, joy filled weeks.
People I didn't even know existed 3 months ago are now constants in my every day. The 2nd floor hallway of the music building has basically become my other home, and people have begun to notice. "Do you live here or something?" is a question that has been asked of me on several occasions while I'm sitting in my spot(coincidentally I am typing this blog from that exact location).
There are people who I have a routine with. We save each other seats in class; go for tea breaks when we need them; have running jokes; complain about the same things; and work hard to improve together.
This faculty is so small and closely knit that it is easy for others' problems and stress to radiate into your life. Sometimes I find it very hard to separate myself from that, but I am learning. I don't think blocking it out it what I need to do, just filter. Sometimes I need space, and others I just need to be embraced by the chaos of it all and revel in the craziness of music school. 
I often joke about how my life could be a sit-com. The hilarious vignettes that occur on a daily basis are pure comic gold. This is like another form of reality, far from anything I have ever known. There are characters in my life that provide so much colour to an ever widening spectrum. 
I'm loving my life. Even on mornings when I dread coming to school, worried about having to be with people, or having to wait in the dark for my early morning bus... I always find a happiness here. Things are never as bad as they seem when you are in the music building surrounded by an army of friends - and people who's names you don't even know - ready to hold your a float.
More often than not, there will be tears. Tears are a regular occurrence. Not always my own... but  they are around, and you never have to look far. But hugs are also plentiful. Hugs, good advice, and a listening ear. You will never be with out those.
There are days when all you hear from people are complaints about the demands placed on us, or whatever the topic is of the day, but when you really stop to think of it, every life here is blessed.
Everyone here is learning about the thing they love, are passionate about, want to be doing.
Everyone here has some sort of dream. There are so many different dreams that are being grown, and changed, and realized here. It is nothing less than magical.

lets go

share my adventures

it's okay

that's what you deserve

basically

always looking forward

for real

the taste of air

 

...there’s nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shore line, no matter how many times it’s sent away.  

-Sarah Kay, "B" 

Lovers

There was a field in my old town
Where we always played hand in hand
The wind was gently touching the grass
We were so young, so fearless.

Then I dreamt o'er and over,
Of you holding me tight under the stars
I made a promise to my dear lord,
I will love you forever

Time has passed
So much has changed
But the field remains in my heart
Oh, where are you?
I need to tell you I still love you
So I reach out for you,
You fly around me like a butterfly.
Your voice still echoes in my heart,
You are my true love.

There was a field in my old town,
Where in spring all flowers blossomed wide.
We were chasing butterflies
Hand in hand till close of day.
Your voice still echoes in my heart.

how long

perhaps

Maybe Summer will stay a little longer.
The calendar says that there are days still left, but I know it lies.
I will blink, and life will begin, and I don't know that I am ready.

Summer.
It hasn't been anything I expected.
I had planned all year for these short months, but those plans evaporated one by one, all for their own reasons and in their own ways.
Not much is left.
But maybe it is just enough.

Maybe September will wait a little while.
The calendar tells me exactly how many days are left, but maybe it lies.
I will hold my breath, and life might wait, and I think I would like that.

will you?

Summer Starting

This weekend my family went to a rocking porch party. A little street was blocked off for the day and there was lots of fun had.
Sidewalk chalk and musicians sharing their sounds from various porches and lawns along the street.
Walking through the festivities you would enter sweet little pockets of sound.
Plenty of bluegrass tunes could be heard, as well as a steel drum ensemble, and a jazzy 5 pieces band and singer(perched on her tree stump stage). 

 

We came home with smiles on our faces, and fingers and knees covered with chalk from our artistic endevours. It was a wonderful way to get the season of outdoor fun and adventure started. 

i did

baby brother, I love you

Oh, There I Am!

Clown Baby

Somedays my life is a whimsical little fairytale, and it is those days I am the most happy I could be.
Lately there have been an abundance of these magical days that have made my existance something to love.
Having people in my life who make me smile and laugh makes summer my very favourite time of year.
Friends return home after a full year of school and fill my life with hugs and smiles.
I have an amazing collection of people who touch my life, and this week has been filled with interactions that have truely blessed me.
God is good. He gives us gifts far greater than we deserve.
Today is one of those days filled with smiles. It has only just begun, but I am already grinning ear to ear.

Thank you God for little brothers and silly clown costumes.

P.S. the costume was made by my mother and it used to fit me(many many many many years ago)

Understand

Please don't pretend you know me, because I barely know myself.
Don't make assumptions. Don't try to figure out the things I don't understand, because these are my problems, not yours.
Each day I'm something new. Reborn each morning from the womb of night. Awakening to undiscovered territory, waiting to put up a fight.
The pathways inside of me are shifting and unsure. I try to find a way back down to my place left on the earth.
The tributaries of my soul lead to oceans deep and dark. We've all heard that a giant flame comes from a single dancing spark.
The selves that I allow you to see are the ones that hide the truer me. The horrid beast that lies inside will never ever cease to writhe as I hope to be released and know a deeper healing peace.
The words that dance about my head are always better left unsaid.
Silence is my only friend, the one who saves me from a tortured end.

Wakeful

Bleary morning eyes shield me from the world.
I am a baby bird not ready to fly.
A caterpillar laying in the dark, embalmed in its unformed wings.
Everything else is so far away.
I could stay here forever and happily let the rushing world leave me behind - at least for a little while.

The Girl

The me I've gotten to know is changing. Words I have clung to that have shaped the way I think of myself slip away, no longer applicable.
Its like I am shedding a skin that I have been wrapped so tightly in, and I am afraid that once it is gone I will fall apart.
I am scared to embrace new things, to change and grow. It feels like I am abandoning the person I was, a person who I will never be again.
For so long I have been my own closest friend, only because no one else was around, but that has changed. Just like everything does.
How am I supposed to leave the friend who has always been there for me?
You don't leave people. You don't walk away from a friend you still love.
But what happens when that friend evaporates? Dissapears without so much a puff of smoke or dazzling cloud burst... she just faded.
I can't find that girl anymore. No matter how hard I look. All she left behind are shimmering memories that bend and sway under the weight of time, twisting out of shape as life pulls at their edges.
At first there is an ache.
And tears. Lots of tears.
But those are always there.

When I open my eyes, I see a different girl standing with me.
She is familiar and warm, but new and strange all at once.
I don't know her anymore.
She stretches out her hand to me and we walk, together.
Time has changed us, as it does all things.
I have to learn how to love this new old friend, re-imagining the borders and edges that are expanding to let us become the person we will be.

All I Ask

Please be worth it. Be worth my time and commitment. If it seems like I have forgotten you, I haven't, I am most likely just waiting for you to remember me.
So many good things have faded from my life the same way, don't be one of them.

Things...

I don't like failing, and I don't like being wrong. I don't often put myself in a space where either of those things are likely to happen.
A new personal challenge is to push past this. Mess up often, and enjoy it. Take the opportunity and fail magnificently.
I work hard and do my best, but when I think my best won't be good enough, sometimes I just don't try at all.
Being wrong means that at least I tried. And trying means that I gave myself a chance to be great, even if greatness doesn't happen.
I mean, I have to learn things some how, it might as well be like this.

everyday happiness....

There are small things that bring sunshine to our lives, no matter how hard the rain falls.
Some days you have to go searching for these things, or work and make them for yourself. Other days you find joy in everything you touch. Your world glows and the earth sings, and it feels like this feeling will never fade.

yup.

Maybe...

Maybe I've found my motivation. Maybe it's been here all along, I just sort of forgot what it looked like.
I don't think it has changed all that much...  it may be a little bit dusty at the moment, but I can already see the old familer glow that I've always known and loved.
Now is my chance to grab hold and never let go. I cannot allow
myself to tire and let it wringle from my grasp. I cannot just sit here and as it trickles through my fingers, tickling my wrist as it evaporates and floats in a thick disorienting fog around my head. It's time to break the pattern and get my act together.
I've got this.
At least for now.

sons

Sometimes there are lovely things just waiting for you on the internet.
This is one of them.