Understand

Please don't pretend you know me, because I barely know myself.
Don't make assumptions. Don't try to figure out the things I don't understand, because these are my problems, not yours.
Each day I'm something new. Reborn each morning from the womb of night. Awakening to undiscovered territory, waiting to put up a fight.
The pathways inside of me are shifting and unsure. I try to find a way back down to my place left on the earth.
The tributaries of my soul lead to oceans deep and dark. We've all heard that a giant flame comes from a single dancing spark.
The selves that I allow you to see are the ones that hide the truer me. The horrid beast that lies inside will never ever cease to writhe as I hope to be released and know a deeper healing peace.
The words that dance about my head are always better left unsaid.
Silence is my only friend, the one who saves me from a tortured end.

Wakeful

Bleary morning eyes shield me from the world.
I am a baby bird not ready to fly.
A caterpillar laying in the dark, embalmed in its unformed wings.
Everything else is so far away.
I could stay here forever and happily let the rushing world leave me behind - at least for a little while.

The Girl

The me I've gotten to know is changing. Words I have clung to that have shaped the way I think of myself slip away, no longer applicable.
Its like I am shedding a skin that I have been wrapped so tightly in, and I am afraid that once it is gone I will fall apart.
I am scared to embrace new things, to change and grow. It feels like I am abandoning the person I was, a person who I will never be again.
For so long I have been my own closest friend, only because no one else was around, but that has changed. Just like everything does.
How am I supposed to leave the friend who has always been there for me?
You don't leave people. You don't walk away from a friend you still love.
But what happens when that friend evaporates? Dissapears without so much a puff of smoke or dazzling cloud burst... she just faded.
I can't find that girl anymore. No matter how hard I look. All she left behind are shimmering memories that bend and sway under the weight of time, twisting out of shape as life pulls at their edges.
At first there is an ache.
And tears. Lots of tears.
But those are always there.

When I open my eyes, I see a different girl standing with me.
She is familiar and warm, but new and strange all at once.
I don't know her anymore.
She stretches out her hand to me and we walk, together.
Time has changed us, as it does all things.
I have to learn how to love this new old friend, re-imagining the borders and edges that are expanding to let us become the person we will be.

All I Ask

Please be worth it. Be worth my time and commitment. If it seems like I have forgotten you, I haven't, I am most likely just waiting for you to remember me.
So many good things have faded from my life the same way, don't be one of them.

Things...

I don't like failing, and I don't like being wrong. I don't often put myself in a space where either of those things are likely to happen.
A new personal challenge is to push past this. Mess up often, and enjoy it. Take the opportunity and fail magnificently.
I work hard and do my best, but when I think my best won't be good enough, sometimes I just don't try at all.
Being wrong means that at least I tried. And trying means that I gave myself a chance to be great, even if greatness doesn't happen.
I mean, I have to learn things some how, it might as well be like this.